“Be still and know that I am God” - Psalms 46:10, little Dobbs favorite bible verse.
Since the horrific day when a sweet family from my church lost their two boys, Dobbs and Reed, in a car accident, I have had this verse on my mind. I have watched Dobbs and Reed’s parents trust in God whole heartedly. I have seen them worship and praise God through this storm they are going through with the peace that only comes from the Holy Spirit. I have heard their transparent testimony as they describe the array of emotions they feel. Yet, they still trust. They cling to this verse – not only because it was Dobbs favorite, but because it is a needed directive in this current storm they are facing. Watching this family grieve has been a life changing experience for me and a lesson I will not soon forget. Although, I am sure they never wanted to be a testimony in this manner, I am very grateful that they are trusting in the Lord and allowing the public to grieve along with them. Because of their willingness to be in the public eye, I can SEE what it means to “Be still”. Yet, somehow, I am having a hard time making sense of what that looks like for me.
Life has seasons of storms. Some last longer than others. Some are more powerful. A few weeks ago, I was desperate for some emotional relief. The constant questions in my mind, the worries of the future, and the constantly growing to-do list were like a hurricane, draining every bit of energy I had. In a desperate attempt for answers, I grabbed by Bible and started thumbing through to see what I might land on. I guess it was very much a “Wheel of Fortune” approach but at the time I was grasping for anything I could. The verses I landed on hit me like a rock. It was the story of Jesus calming the storm.
Picture the story with me. Basically Jesus and the disciples are on a boat when a storm arose. Jesus is in the stern of the boat asleep. The wind is fiercely rocking the boat to and fro. The disciples are starting to panic! I can just picture them trying to control the sails and the direction of the boat. Some of them may have had a bucket trying to get water out of the boat, I don’t know. I can also envision them trying to control everything while frantically looking towards the entrance of the stern impatiently waiting for Jesus to show up. I feel like I do this often. I frantically try to control things myself while looking for Jesus to show up and do something in my situation. Well, Mark 4:38 says, “But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” Oh goodness, I feel like this was exactly what I was doing to Jesus as I prayed in a desperate attempt for help. Mark 4:39 goes on to say, “And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.” Just with his words he calmed the sea! But, here is favorite part - Mark 4:40 says, “He said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” OUCH!!! That stung a little. I am so prideful at thinking I was trusting and having faith in God but yet I found myself panicking in the midst of this storm.
This current storm Andy and I are in seems to be lasting longer than it should and if I am honest, stronger than I can take on my own strength. I have heard many times that waiting on an adoption is hard. I never imagined it would be quite this difficult. I must admit that I am making this harder on myself than it needs to be. All along this journey Andy and I have had such a strong connection with Mercy Ministries. I started to question whether or not we needed to depend solely on them as a source of adoption or if we needed to look into other options. Impatiently waiting. So, I frantically started doing my research. Let me just say that adoptions are EXPENSIVE!! I cannot discount that if I were pregnant and had a baby naturally that it would also be pricey, but when I started looking at the cost of adoptions I was sick on my stomach! We are talking numbers as high as $50,000 people!!! RIDICULOUS! At Mercy Ministries, the agency cost for an adoption is a whopping $0! Of course there are possible medical expenses, homestudy cost, lawyer fees, etc but ZERO for the agency. There again, they are not solely an adoption agency which makes a huge difference. I was overwhelmed and discouraged at the amount of money and work we would have to put into contracting with a second agency. It seemed near impossible. I devised a plan to fund the adoption by using what we have already saved for the adoption, grants, and fundraisers (even though I HATE raising money). However, my worry spiked and I hit a wall. Luckily, this happened right as we were about to go to the beach for vacation.
The beach, as many of you know, is where I can let go of my worries and truly relax. In my mind I thought relaxing on the beach and doing nothing was me “being still”. One morning, I read through a devotion that said, “being still does not mean being idle”. What? Does that seem like an oxymoron to you? I have been learning what it means to "be still", yet, I didn’t fully understand what it meant for me. Just before leaving the beach as Andy and I spent time during the early morning hours praying and listening to the waves, we devised a plan. Our plan was to apply for a couple of grants, update our profile book with new pics of the house, and then see what happens. It is a good plan.
We returned home in just enough time to see the interview on the news of Gentry and Hadley Eddings talking about how they have been dealing with the loss of their two boys, Dobbs and Reed. I watched, as many of you did, with tears streaming down my face – sad and grateful all in one. Sad, because of the horrific storm they are going through – the heartbreak is not something I even want to imagine. Also grateful. Grateful to a God, a good God, they are choosing to worship and trust during this storm. As they talked about their grief, their real feelings and whirlwind of emotions, they also talked about their “new normal”. Once again I am reminded to “Be still”. The Eddings are choosing to be still and yet, they are not being idle. Even though I knew what this meant, I still didn’t understand it in my heart.
Questions swarmed my mind once again. “How can I be still and not idle?” “What do I need to be doing?” “Do I need to pursue this other adoption agency?” – The questions were endless. Not even a week later I received an email from a dear and wise friend. The ENTIRE email addressed every question I had and beautifully connected the dots between how to “Be still” and “Move on”! It was almost as if Jesus himself had written that email to me. They say that repetition is key….well in this case I must agree. How in the world did it take me this long to truly understand that “Be still” means to “let go” and to trust?
Understanding and doing are quite two different things – I am still working on the application part :). I am not sure what we will decide about the other adoption agency but we are taking it one day at a time - all the while we will remind ourselves to “be still”. I wonder what would have happened in the story if the disciples had let go of trying to calm the storm and trusted Jesus would save them.
So, now I am trying to be still and let Him guide our every step. I am trying to not worry and have faith that He is leading us in the direction that is best for us. I am trusting that with each step He will be present – and most importantly, I am learning to praise Him all along the way - crazy storm or not.
Thank you to all who have let me lean on you the past few weeks. Thank you for your prayers and encouraging wisdom. I love you all.