This time last year I was an emotional mess. Andy and I had received our last and most hurtful “no” from a possible birth mom and I was ready to give up. In fact, I had given up. I think back to that time, those feelings, and can still feel the hurt. It was Christmas and I wanted nothing more than to be able to announce to our family that we would soon have a little one running around – the first grandchild. But, that dream seemed to have been squashed once again.
Now, let me take you back a few months to understand how things played out.
- End of April - we moved into our new home. I just knew we would be matched with a birth mom soon. The whole “build it and they will come” mentality.
- Mid May – I had a dream. In this dream my Papa (who passed away 20 years ago) came to me in his new and youthful heavenly body with much joy and excitement on his face and said, “Miss Flossie, It is almost time.” That dream sparked all kinds of anxiety - let me tell ya. It felt so real and not knowing what it meant scared the crap out of me. I suffered with extreme anxiety for months.
- *The next few months proved to be quite challenging. I wrestled with God often. I couldn’t seem to trust Him and couldn’t let go of trying to ‘fix’ things myself. I wanted to have total dependence on Him but it was so hard letting go. It wasn’t until a friend of mine told me I was “putting God in a box” and me getting mad at her for saying that to realize I wasn’t trusting Him. Looking back I can see how much I grew from this time….and how stubborn I really am. *
- October – After a year of no prospective matches with one small agency, we decided to stretch out of our box and try a different avenue for adoption. Within days we received our first possible birth mom situation….and our first “no”. The first of many.
- Decemeber 11 – I was frustrated with waiting and found myself on my face in my living room crying and yelling at God. It was not pretty. I was impatient and mad. Then a sweet memory came to mind and I wrote this blog in response.
- December 12th – we were given TWO prospective birth mom situations; “A” and “C”. “A” seemed to be the "safer" choice so we went with her. I knew this was it. I just had a feeling. BUT, Andy didn’t think so. And that made me mad. A week later we received a “no” from “A”. I. was. So. Hurt. And I was done.
Wow. What a year it has been. Guess Papa was right after all. It was almost time.
I encourage you, no matter what your situation is today, try to find joy in this Christmas season. You never know what is just around the corner. Be thankful in ALL things.
Happy 10 months to the baby heaven knew was coming.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7