Waiting.
It. Sucks.
Sorry for all of your virgin ears, but let’s be real for a minute, who enjoys waiting? No one! Not one single person I know likes it! Even if you are the most patient of all peoples, something annoys you about waiting. In fact, I found some tweets online of people frustrated with waiting:
“One day a man will love me”
“Always get stuck behind someone at this store!”
“More tests tomorrow…I will know what is going on by this time tomorrow night….more waiting”
“Where is UPS with my truck parts?”
Let’s face it, we all just hate to wait.
Waiting on this adoption really has been tough. I have good days, weeks and even months….and then I get impatient all over again. I pray like it is nobody’s business and I praise Him for this time of growth….then I get impatient. It is an endless cycle it seems. Just yesterday I sat with a friend and told her how I felt so down this week. We have been presented with several possible Birth Mom scenarios. Some we declined because we didn’t feel good about it and some denied us. It has been an emotional roller coaster. Our trip to visit our friend Kim in Florida was restoring, healing and gave me much needed mental and emotional rest, but this week is different. I feel myself growing impatient again. Maybe because we have not heard of any possible Birth Mom situations in a couple of weeks, but regardless it has been a blah week. As I talked with Kym last night I realized once again I wasn’t trusting in God like I should. This week it seems the more I pray the more silent I feel He becomes. I just want Him to shout down what He wants me to do and tell me what is going to happen so that I can have a little peace!!! Wouldn't that be nice? Ha! I actually had a little conversation with Him this morning about that very thing. I said, “God can you just tell me if I will be a mother or not? I am tired of waiting. If I am not, just tell me and I can grieve and move on!!” Yes, I actually said that. (Let me just add a disclosure to say that God is all I need to satisfy me. I don’t need a husband, house, successful job or even a baby to make my heart really happy – God is that satisfaction for me. I am grateful for all of those things in my life, but I know if I didn't have them I will always have a relationship with my Heavenly Father. But this week….I have just been impatient on waiting for what I know God is preparing us for.) After I had my little temper tantrum with God, suddenly a memory came to my mind…one that I have not thought about in a while yet it gave me much perspective on this “silence” from Him.
When Andy and I were dating I KNEW that we were going to get married. I knew it from the second conversation we had. If he would have asked me to marry him over the phone before we even saw each other in person I would have said yes, that is how confident I was. After we dated for 7 months, you guessed it, I began to grow impatient. One weekend in April he flew to North Carolina for us to go to the beach for a few days. The first night we stayed in our hometown, each at our parent’s house. We went to dinner with my dad and as we were leaving the restaurant a friend of ours walked up to us and said, “I hear wedding bells in the future, I hope!” Lets just say Andy turned every shade of red. He stumbled best he could through a response and said, “oh uh, well, um I don’t know”. You can imagine my face. I get my facial expressions from my mom...lets just say I am sure he had NO doubt of how I felt about his answer. I was LIVID and I was hurt!
After Andy left to go to his parent’s house for the night I had a long cry on my dad’s shoulder. I had the biggest pity party ever – much like this morning. I remember saying, “why doesn’t he want to marry me Daddy? Why can’t he just tell me, ‘Yes I want to marry you’ or ‘No I don’t want to marry you’? – I just need to know!!” I cried and cried as my precious Dad just hugged me, loved me and quietly said, “Just keep praying sweetie”. I was so frustrated with the waiting. Little did I know that just a few hours earlier Andy had asked my Dad’s blessing in proposing to me that weekend at the beach. I can only imagine how hard it was for my Dad to witness his little girl going through so much pain and yet remaining silent as to not spoil the surprise just to make her feel better. I am sure it hurt him so bad to see me cry the way I did but at the same time I am sure he was smiling on the inside knowing what was waiting for me in the very near future.
This morning when I remembered that moment I thought to myself that this has to be exactly what God feels like sometimes. We pray, cry and get impatient during the time of waiting. We feel like we don’t get an answer. When we are in so much pain, crying out to Him for an answer, He just loves on us and whispers “just keep praying sweetie". He otherwise remains silent all the while knowing what is planned on the road ahead is far more beautiful than we can imagine.
Today I am so grateful for that memory.
I will keep praying and hold on to that memory in faith that He knows what is ahead of me. I am sure He can’t wait till the day the surprise is revealed and I come to Him with the good news and a grateful heart – grateful that He didn’t ruin the surprise, for it was far too perfect to tell.
It. Sucks.
Sorry for all of your virgin ears, but let’s be real for a minute, who enjoys waiting? No one! Not one single person I know likes it! Even if you are the most patient of all peoples, something annoys you about waiting. In fact, I found some tweets online of people frustrated with waiting:
“One day a man will love me”
“Always get stuck behind someone at this store!”
“More tests tomorrow…I will know what is going on by this time tomorrow night….more waiting”
“Where is UPS with my truck parts?”
Let’s face it, we all just hate to wait.
Waiting on this adoption really has been tough. I have good days, weeks and even months….and then I get impatient all over again. I pray like it is nobody’s business and I praise Him for this time of growth….then I get impatient. It is an endless cycle it seems. Just yesterday I sat with a friend and told her how I felt so down this week. We have been presented with several possible Birth Mom scenarios. Some we declined because we didn’t feel good about it and some denied us. It has been an emotional roller coaster. Our trip to visit our friend Kim in Florida was restoring, healing and gave me much needed mental and emotional rest, but this week is different. I feel myself growing impatient again. Maybe because we have not heard of any possible Birth Mom situations in a couple of weeks, but regardless it has been a blah week. As I talked with Kym last night I realized once again I wasn’t trusting in God like I should. This week it seems the more I pray the more silent I feel He becomes. I just want Him to shout down what He wants me to do and tell me what is going to happen so that I can have a little peace!!! Wouldn't that be nice? Ha! I actually had a little conversation with Him this morning about that very thing. I said, “God can you just tell me if I will be a mother or not? I am tired of waiting. If I am not, just tell me and I can grieve and move on!!” Yes, I actually said that. (Let me just add a disclosure to say that God is all I need to satisfy me. I don’t need a husband, house, successful job or even a baby to make my heart really happy – God is that satisfaction for me. I am grateful for all of those things in my life, but I know if I didn't have them I will always have a relationship with my Heavenly Father. But this week….I have just been impatient on waiting for what I know God is preparing us for.) After I had my little temper tantrum with God, suddenly a memory came to my mind…one that I have not thought about in a while yet it gave me much perspective on this “silence” from Him.
When Andy and I were dating I KNEW that we were going to get married. I knew it from the second conversation we had. If he would have asked me to marry him over the phone before we even saw each other in person I would have said yes, that is how confident I was. After we dated for 7 months, you guessed it, I began to grow impatient. One weekend in April he flew to North Carolina for us to go to the beach for a few days. The first night we stayed in our hometown, each at our parent’s house. We went to dinner with my dad and as we were leaving the restaurant a friend of ours walked up to us and said, “I hear wedding bells in the future, I hope!” Lets just say Andy turned every shade of red. He stumbled best he could through a response and said, “oh uh, well, um I don’t know”. You can imagine my face. I get my facial expressions from my mom...lets just say I am sure he had NO doubt of how I felt about his answer. I was LIVID and I was hurt!
After Andy left to go to his parent’s house for the night I had a long cry on my dad’s shoulder. I had the biggest pity party ever – much like this morning. I remember saying, “why doesn’t he want to marry me Daddy? Why can’t he just tell me, ‘Yes I want to marry you’ or ‘No I don’t want to marry you’? – I just need to know!!” I cried and cried as my precious Dad just hugged me, loved me and quietly said, “Just keep praying sweetie”. I was so frustrated with the waiting. Little did I know that just a few hours earlier Andy had asked my Dad’s blessing in proposing to me that weekend at the beach. I can only imagine how hard it was for my Dad to witness his little girl going through so much pain and yet remaining silent as to not spoil the surprise just to make her feel better. I am sure it hurt him so bad to see me cry the way I did but at the same time I am sure he was smiling on the inside knowing what was waiting for me in the very near future.
This morning when I remembered that moment I thought to myself that this has to be exactly what God feels like sometimes. We pray, cry and get impatient during the time of waiting. We feel like we don’t get an answer. When we are in so much pain, crying out to Him for an answer, He just loves on us and whispers “just keep praying sweetie". He otherwise remains silent all the while knowing what is planned on the road ahead is far more beautiful than we can imagine.
Today I am so grateful for that memory.
I will keep praying and hold on to that memory in faith that He knows what is ahead of me. I am sure He can’t wait till the day the surprise is revealed and I come to Him with the good news and a grateful heart – grateful that He didn’t ruin the surprise, for it was far too perfect to tell.