Innocently, my mother asked me this question about my baby girl, “Do you still think of her as being adopted?” I think her meaning behind the question was more along the lines of “Have you bonded with her as if you gave birth to her?” Regardless of the intention, the initial reaction was….startling. She went on to explain how she no longer thinks of her granddaughter as being adopted. I have to say that hearing it come from her, and then later from other family members when I asked, made my heart leap for joy. It meant they have bonded with her and love her as if she were of our same blood. I think sometimes extended families have a harder time grasping the idea of adoption, so hearing how much love has grown in the hearts of our family for this child of ours really touched me. It is a beautiful thing.
My struggle with this question is because she asked it to ME. Nothing against my mom, I know she had loving intent behind the question, but at first I was taken aback. Immediately I said, “Well yes, I do always think of her as being adopted – how can I not?” Although I answered without a minute to think about it, I started to doubt my answer and my heart. Should I still think of her as being adopted? If I do does that mean I have not bonded with her like I should? The questions were endless. The conclusion I came to was this; I am totally in love with our daughter and I feel like I have bonded with her as if she were born from my own body and I would NEVER refer to her as my “adopted daughter”, but, as a mom, I cannot not think of her as being adopted.
Here are just two of the reasons why:
1. Another woman gave birth to a baby who calls me mom. Not acknowledging the tragedy that comes along with an adoption would be devastating. A mom has lost a child. She lost our child! When I look at this precious baby girl and experience the insurmountable amount of joy she is bringing to our lives, I think about what her birth mom is missing. I just can’t wrap my heart around that kind of grief. My heart breaks for her. I think of her every day. I am concerned for her. I pray for her. Regardless of the fact she knows it is for the best, she is suffering a huge loss. And so is our daughter. This loss and grief we will have to address with our daughter at some point when she is older. For now, I think God is teaching me to be empathetic to our daughter’s mom. The level of grief and heavy gratitude I feel simultaneously cannot go ignored. I love a quote by Jody Landers that says, “A child born to another woman calls me mom. The depth of the tragedy and the magnitude of the privilege are not lost on me.”
2. I want to make God famous. God did amazing things when he brought us through this adoption process. Interestingly enough, our daughter actually looks like a blend of our families. These physical traits could make it easy to ignore the fact she does not have our genes. She resembles my husband so much it’s scary, she VERY much resembled my sister when she was born, the auburn tint of her hair is a dominate trait on my mom’s side of the family, and, her eyes are getting more blue by the day and are closely resembling mine (which is amazing in itself considering birth mom has green eyes and birth dad has brown). However, these are only the simple details of things God has done to pick the most perfect child to join our family. If you have followed our blog you know of the VAST prayers He answered along the way and continues to do so. I feel if I didn’t share our story I would not be able to show people how God’s character is good and filled with love – not of fear or hate. I want to share our story to make GOD’s presence known and felt. I want HIM to be famous!
So, with complete confidence I can now say, “Yes Mom, even though I think of her as mine and love her just the same, I still think of her as being adopted. And I think it is something beautiful.”
*I know everyone has their own opinion and philosophy when it comes to motherhood and adoption. I am only at the beginning stages of learning – but this is where my heart is right now. Many folks think sharing details about one’s personal life is too much – I tend to agree, but in this case I feel this is something I should be doing. Maybe it is just to help me process, but, maybe it will also help someone else.